Technology as Relationships

I got an iPhone recently. It is the sexiest piece of technology I have ever owned. But I have to admit, I didn't get it because I liked it. If not for the constant beratemnt from my peers over my crappy old phone, I might have stayed with my Blackberry 7230 forever. The Blackberry 7230s are the giant fat blue ones from back in the day when blackberry decided to go blue and a few dumb fucks started calling it the "blueberry" until they realized it wasn't ever going to catch on (I was one of these people). To me, the 7230 was the commodore 64 for the mobile phone world, both in that it was totally awesome, yet sadly, past its time. The fact is one cannot roll into a customer's office toting how amazing your technology product is and then whip out a 7230 to check your mail. To me, it should seem like pulling up in a classic automobile, but in reality it's usually just met with giggles and a "hahaha you still have one of those? What is this 1822?"

If you still don't know what I'm talking about then go to images.google.com and search for boobs. Boobs? Um wait sorry - bad habit - I mean search for "Black Berry 7230". When you see it, you'll know exactly what I mean and you will likely say "dear god that's old" as if you peering upon a mummified corpse of a Egyptian Pharaoh.

While having a 7230 brought to mind images of turning a crank and holding an ear piece to your ear while asking the operator to connect you to Old Mrs Johnson's residence, I can honestly say that while antiquated now, it was thing of usability beauty, much like the iPhone is now - with the addition that it never crashed. EVER, EVER the entire time I owned it and I've owned my 7230 since probably - 2002. Only once did I change phones in that time, and after a short period of time I switched back.

Why you ask? What iPhone precursor could have the raw technological sex appeal to get me to stray from my 7230?

Ever heard of the Q-TEK 900? No, of course you haven't. Want to know why? Because the Q-TEK 900s were giant, utter complete pieces of elephant shit.

You see, finding a phone that is right for you is a lot like finding a mate. As men we know we need someone that is going to be there for us, support us and love us through thick and thin regardless of our faults and failings. But we get a little caught up in the more shallow aspects of the dating ritual. Specifically the ones that promise an easy transition from dating to mating. We look at shiny, surface things like:

"She gets drunk and makes out with her friends."

or

"If you give her drugs she'll sleep with you."

or


"She has more silicone in her boobs and ass then Joan Rivers has in her face. "


While the last one is a physical impossibility, I'm sure you get my drift.

As we age and mature as men, we realize that while these seem like attractive traits at the time - in the long run - it's very possible that they are disguise for some other inadequacies.

So - the table is set - on with the story.

I walked into J and R world and it was love at first site. It had a side-kick keyboard. It had telnet (yea, I'm huge nerd). It had skype (I was going to talk for free forever). It had a 1.4 gigahertz processor (w000t). It had a full IE, MSN, AOL, WORD, EXCEL. It had EVERYTHING. I was a computer in your pocket!!! I could telnet to my servers and code for it with .NET ( i love .net). THE PROMISE and POTENTIAL was ENDLESS.

It had....Windows Mobile 5.1?.....It was $900.00?.....hold on...something seems wrong here....but... I bought it anyway. Because as we will see - I am idiot.

It should be first stated before continuing that noting that your awesome new phone runs Windows Mobile 5.1 is like going out on your first date with a super sexy women who immediately tells you that she is a stripper, has a $400 a week cocaine habit, narcolepsy, and a tendency to murder small animals.

When this happens - a signal is immediately sent out of your medulla oblongata (the primal center of your mind that keeps your from getting killed in the wild and also what makes alligators so honory) - to let you know that this is going to be a fucking train wreck in the long run, and that you should get the fuck out of dodge immediately and without further hesitation. But unfortunately, what sits before you is so shiny, your brain isn't really working because all the blood is in your penis, over-riding your survival instincts. As a result, the thoughts don't really take hold of any nerve endings, they just sort of grasp meekly like a drowning fat guy before getting stored away in some forgotten folder of your brain's desktop (your brain runs windows too...sucks for humanity.)

Then 2 months later when she's robbed your place, fell asleep on an escalator and killed an old lady, assaulted your dog and pole-danced for all your friends, you're brain will remember those files, dust them off and say, "Fuck. Cocaine habit? How the hell did we miss that?" Thus, the evolution of man occurs.

That's pretty much what happened to me as I started lovingly upon the Q-TEK 9100. As a phone, it was a cocaine-addicted, dog-killing stripper who makes out with her friends. And I, hypnotized by her Delilian undulations was throwing away my reliable, loving, caring Blackberry 7230 to jaunt around seedy bars with her. And I had no idea, guilt or foresight into the matter.

Though, like in any REALLY bad relationship, in a week in - I noticed something about my Q-TEK.

It was utterly and completely unreliable. Let me state it this way:

If a hostile race of alien's the size of the Giant's entire offense line landed at my house and were ready to gang rape me with a 10 foot alien-anal-probe, there was an 8 out of 10 chance that my FUCKING PHONE WOULD FREEZE AND CRASH as I dialed 911 in a panicked attempt to save myself from an event that would make the money scenes from Deliverance and Pulp Fiction look like Big Bird and Snuffy cuddling on a run-of-the-mill episode of Sesame Street. I was missing calls, hanging up in the middle of them, skype NEVER worked and MSN would stay logged in for 35 seconds before freezing the entire phone. This phone would crash everyday.

Not only would it crash - it was a choker. It would miss game winning shots. I would show it to people. They would be like, "wow that is so cool, can I see it?" and they would press a button and it would crash and they'd be like "dork." Imagine if you brought the stripper to your parents house and said, "Just don't mention the coke, just this once." but she of course then goes blows lines off your Mom's bedroom vanity mirror.

So one day, I realized the error of my ways. I was sorry, and I had had enough of my Q-Tek 9100 stripper phone. So, I opened it up, I took the SIM card out and put it back into my 7230 and there I begged this phone, this inanimate object, for it's forgiveness. I said, "Baby, I'm so sorry. I didn't know what I had. I'll never leave again." And I didn't.

Until now. There is this new iPhone.......so shiny, so nice. Nothing lasts forever.